The Sieg Heils

Well, its been just over a week since the first chemo, and I bet your all wondering how its going........or not.
Got home from hospital OK on Friday, travelled on the bus of doom - No11 - Crosshouse to Ardrossan, if I'm gonna pick up some nasty disease in my chemo weakened state, it'll be on that bus. I'm pretty sure it roves around Ayrshire picking up the ill and infirm - its the last bus to Flusville!!
Anyhoo, spent the next three days or so mostly curled up on the sofa, feeling like a bad hangover but without the headache, really really really tired!! The poisons that are roaming around my system seem to be leaching out of my pores and I can smell the chemo stuff all the time. Waves of nausea come and go and are usually triggered by cooking smells - more lying down on the sofa. Eight days now since the chemo and most of those early side effects have worn off, no more naps and I'm managing to stay up long enough at night to take in a whole movie!
The worst of the side effects, and one I had not expected to take hold so early was the constipation. Sorry to harp on about what I hold most dear again - my arse, but a problem shared is a problem halved as my old constipated grannie used to say.
Now, I'm a regular twice a day man, but have been only twice in a week - a bloody week!!! Each occasion was a 'teethmarks in the door handle' affair that required more napping on the couch as a sort of post straining recuperation. I know what your thinking, you shouldn't be straining - you might pop something, more on that later. It hasn't stopped me farting though, quite the opposite. In fact, my fart to shite ratio is about 10,000:1. The smell is also something to behold, Marie says they are just their normal reek but I can smell the chemicals - not quite Jeyes Fluid though. The dogs are hiding behind the sofa and all the windows are open even though its Baltic outside. The last defaecatory episode was a particularly stressful encounter that has left me thumbing through the Screwfix catalogue for a new pan. Got myself comfortable, one hand on the sink, the other the window cill - looking like something out of Britain's strongest man - truck pulling final. One big push, nothing. Another big push, still nothing. I stood up to call it a day but a sudden movement 'in me back body' had me back down on the seat and pushing for England.................or Scotland. I started to make involuntary noises, grrrrrrr and oooooof, beads of sweat began to peal from my forehead. I could almost hear the midwife shouting 'I can see its head, deep breaths now'. Just as Lucifer's bowling ball began to dislodge itself from my bowels, there was a strange 'fwooop' sound and it shot back up as if startled by the sight of my hairy arse. Buggar!!!
After a few minutes of re-composure I began the struggle again. This time it seemed a little easier as I must have honed some sort of taper with my first effort and after another minute or so of gritted teeth and with a 'kersplash' and a 'clonk' it was done. Neptunes kiss gave some short respite to the ring sting and then it dawned, I bet I've popped a one!! A one what you say, dear reader. Nobby Stiles, the Duke of Argyle's, Farmer Giles, Nuremburg trials, yes you've guessed it, Emma Freud's. Being an occasional sufferer of this debilitating affliction, I know the last thing you want when you've got other stuff to deal with, is a dose of the Chalfont's (am I right, Donald?). A bit if shuffling about on the pan and some digitary exploration confirmed to my great relief that the 'Preparation Arse' can remain in the cupboard for the time being. I am Rectum Intactum! More than can be said for the pan though, as I'm sure this beasty must have cracked it somewhere around the 'U' bend. It reminded me of the one which blocked the offshore privvies last year (BJ - we know it was you!).
Its now come full circle and a few days later I have the skitters. I could regale you with tales about following through in bed and other rectal hilarity, but dear reader, I'll leave that to your own imagination, we've had enough toilet talk for the noo!
Take care everyone, and remember, five a day!!!